so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex on a roof
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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