I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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