Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
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I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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