I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
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In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
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I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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