i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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