If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
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I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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