Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
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i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
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By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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