I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
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I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
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We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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