I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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