What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
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I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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