Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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