What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
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He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
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I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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