Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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