omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize