at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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