Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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