Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
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the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
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I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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