I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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