Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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