You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
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I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
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I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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