this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Pooping to opera.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize