genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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