Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize