Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
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I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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