Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
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Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
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its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
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