saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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