i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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