No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
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Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
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If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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