Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
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At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
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At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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