what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
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just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
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Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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