phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
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Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
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Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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