Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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