I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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