I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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