I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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