Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
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