He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
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I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
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He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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