i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
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Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
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Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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