well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
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He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
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We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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