I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
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We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
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I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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