got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
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Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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