Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize