she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
