The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
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Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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