I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
