He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
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I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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