Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
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I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
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Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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