I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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