Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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