Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
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pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
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Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize