According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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